Feelings of Rejection
by PlaidAndBlonde
Summary: Barney is having trouble dealing with his feelings of always being left out from the group and with Robin's rejection, so he resorts to his blade. But will the rest of the group find out? What happens if they do? Warning: Rated T for graphic self-harm, eating disorders, and swearing. Please don't read if you're triggered or offended!


Hello, everyone! This story contains graphic self-harm, eating disorders, and little bit of swearing; so if you're triggered or offended by that in any way, I suggest you don't read this. Thank you, my loves! Enjoy and please review!

Barney's POV

Barney sat on the floor against his kitchen counter holding a glass of gin and tonic after work that day thinking about how much of an idiot he was. Always clinging like a needy boyfriend to his friends while they could care less about him. He was the loner in the group. Marshall and Lily together and thinking about a family soon, Robin, being Lily's best friend wasn't going anywhere, and Ted was Marshall's best friend and Ted thought the same about Marshall.

Barney didn't have a best friend. He never did. Not when he was growing up or in his adult life now. He was always telling himself that Ted and Marshall were his best friends, but really, it wasn't a mutual feeling. He needed to stop telling himself those things because they were false and he needed to recognize that.

_'You're not good enough to be their friend, let alone their best friend, you worthless bastard,' _he told himself, _'always picking up girls and not even calling them back after you sleep with them! That's pathetic! What decent person would want to be friends with something like that? It's no wonder Robin doesn't even want to be with you anymore! She obviously hates you for being like that.'_

He had hit the spot where he was most uncomfortable. Robin. Every time Barney saw or thought of her, it was like ice piercing his heart. The rejection he got from the woman he loved most in the entire world hurt him so much that sometimes he made the pain physical.

_'She hates you. She rejected you. You're not good enough for her. And you're so fat! Jesus!'_ the little voice inside his head said tauntingly as tears started forming in his eyes as he thought about the fact that he hadn't eaten for the last two days, '_Ted and Marshall hate you too. Honestly, they'd all be happy if you left the group. They all hate you and you know it.'_

Barney couldn't take it anymore. Tears were starting to openly pour down his face. The rejection was overwhelming him and he needed to release it. He was trying so hard! He wasn't eating much because he thought that maybe Robin would take him back if he was skinnier. And even if he did allow himself to eat a little, he always felt so bad about it and threw it up soon after. He hated himself and he knew everyone else hated him too. It was becoming too much. He had to do something. And then, at that moment, he made up his mind to do the thing he knew how to do best.

Standing up quickly and setting his drink on the counter, he swayed precariously from lack of nourishment and gripped onto the counter for support. After maintaining his balance, he practically ran to the bedroom where he kept the things he loved most that he used to quench his emotional pain.

He opened the drawer next to his bed and pulled out a pocketknife he received when he was younger. It was his oldest and favorite tool to use.

Barney took off his suit jacket and sat down on the edge of the bed and started unbuttoning his left sleeve to open up his canvas.

Running his finger over some of the previous scars, he was reminded of some of their stories, mostly involving Robin.

Upon remembering Robin and her rejecting him, he started to sob and he rested the knife on his forearm and pulled upward quickly, causing beads of blood to appear. He repeated the action in various spots on his arm as random low moments in his life popped into his head and reminded him he was worthless and a complete fucking idiot and that he deserved this.

Suddenly craving more, but not wanting to cause any more damage to his forearm, he jumped up and walked smoothly towards the bathroom, intending to target his upper arm next.

Blood pooling on his arm and threatening to drip on the floor, Barney pulled off his clothes, turned on the shower, and got in.

As he stood there, he turned the water to burning hot and whistled through his teeth when the water hit his arm. The water at his feet turned red for a moment and then turned back to clear as it mixed with something else, his tears.

Barney ran his hands up and down his ribs that were poking out and he sobbed even harder because he was still not good enough for Robin, despite his efforts of barely eating anything.

He then sat on the floor of the shower, letting the water now burn his legs as he rested his back against the wall. He grabbed the knife from the ledge he had set it on when he walked in the shower and placed it on his upper left arm. He repeated the same motions as before until a good portion of his arm was torn up and he felt dizzy from blood loss.

He set the knife back on the ledge and leaned his head against the corner of the shower and breathed slowly, trying to maintain control.

After the world became steady again, Barney hoisted himself up and eased himself back into the water again. He rinsed himself of the blood flowing from his arm and turned off the shower, which was beginning to run cold.

He grabbed the knife from the ledge, closed it, and stepped out of the shower. He wrapped a towel around his waist and proceeded to wrap up both parts of his arm in bandages.

Barney then walked into his bedroom, put the knife in the drawer by the bed and noticed he felt tired, even though it was only about 8:30.

He didn't care though. He didn't care much about anything whenever he cut like that, so, emotionally drained, Barney dropped the towel on the floor and pulled back the blankets on the bed and climbed in. He rolled over and avoided the side where he had just cut and desperately prayed that sleep would come soon.


End file.
